Hi. It's Me
I QUIT!!
For real though, I did.
As soon as I got back from leave after mom died, I decided to give a very long notice to my organization.. I needed the closure of moving forward on the path towards a new life, and I wanted to give them time to plan.
After the last several years of my life I realized just how important mental health is. And I didn't learn it the easy way - if that's a thing. I know how critical therapy was to my life, having started at 21, on the cusp on not wanting to continue on with life.
I say this because it’s not always talked about openly. I struggled so much in my early adult years and, thank god, I just felt an urge to keep going and to find resources to help me move forward. I had horrible therapists and I had great ones. The great ones of which are still around. I am now proud to also call them mentors and future colleagues.
How I Got HERE
Following a marital separation in 2020 (because - anticipatory grief - man) I hadjust moved into my own apartment, mom’s cancer returned, and I kept on working... my momma supported the hell out of me.. making me food and bringing me coffee randomly in the mornings.. I mean, how lucky was I?! I cry every time I picture her showing up at my apartment, post chemo, bringing ME treats and coffee - all while smiling and telling me I was amazing and I would make it through all this. I knew I was lucky then, and now I certainly feel it in my bones.
I don’t mention it to receive props for handling it all at the time - my mom was so proud of who I was through it all that I can still feel it. A mom’s (parent) pride and love is worth more than just about anything on this earth or beyond.
I wanted better, in all the ways, especially as I cared for someone who lived their dream job for over 35 years. She left this earth telling me to please finally write a book, fight for the career and work I love... and that she knew it was just around the corner.. she was right, as always.. "It'll be hard, but pull up your big girl panties and do it," that's what she said to me numerous times before she passed.
I never got to discuss with her my specific plan to actually begin this new program - because life - but you can bet your sweet ass she would be so proud and supportive. At the time, I knew talking too much about my future made her so sad that she wouldn't be here to see it all, and she was so sick and not herself towards the end.. I know now she is absolutely watching me, pulling strings, and still my biggest supporter.
MY FUTURE:
So, after well over a decade of thinking about it, I decided to go for it. I gave notice at work, found a school, and I am officially in the graduate program for Clinical Mental Health Counseling - almost a year in now. If I was younger, I probably would be in med school right now after all this, but not my path.
I’m scared, but I’m jumping into the fucking arena!! No risk, no reward. It will be the first time since I was 19 that I haven’t worked full time. I’m the first to admit that I am so nervous… But I have always preached that we are never too old to start over. We can have as many lives as we want in this one life!
- Regardless of what others think
- Regardless of society pressure
- Regardless of any external forces
So I’ll be out in the arena, potentially getting my ass kicked, but loving every motherfucking minute of it!! Because I am ALIVE and I have the free will to do what I want. I have to stop squandering gifts and dreams and all the things.. I thought about being a counselor for at least 15 years, but never really felt I was ready, and I had a good job, made good money, had a young family… All the very relevant excuses. NO MORE.
Live authentic, right?
Do what you love, right?
Life is short, right?
Maybe those are sincere statements, and not just dumb home decor mantras, and things that motivate others.. ME, I want to impact those like me, like my mom, and my family. I had a long journey healing from childhood trauma even before cancer and death… I now have a toolbox full of experiences, for better or worse, to helps others process trauma and grief and to still get up each day and live a life that includes joy. I am still finding that balance between grief and joy, and each day I wake up and try again. I get out of bed every day, and some days that is the most impactful choice I make.
What do I have to lose now? I have my mom looking out for me and the support of my family. So here I go!
Perhaps I'll be a counselor full time. Perhaps I'll focus in the Oncology world. Perhaps I'll tackle the stigma of Medical Aid in Dying. Perhaps I'll start a nonprofit to help fill gaps in care for cancer patients. Perhaps I'll try to reinvent the horrific home hospice space...
The absolute beauty in this process for me is NOT controlling the outcome before it happens. I'm going to try my best to take this one day at a time and allow the universe and my momma to help steer me in the right direction. I'm taking the risk, and I will receive exactly what I need.
Help me help others by sharing this blog with your friends and loved ones!
Below is a list of my experiences in my 43 years of life (aka my trauma resume), that I bring into my next steps. I am transparent, because I don't have time for bullshit or inauthenticity.
Everyone has baggage and I always refused to let mine take me down... and now I'm using it to propel me forward.
They are actually in a sort of chronological order, because I'm just a nerd y'all.
So maybe one of these, that I'll cover along the way, and bring to my future therapy practice, will help someone when they need it most.
- Childhood trauma
- Alcoholic parent
- Eating disorders
- Suicidal thoughts
- Anxiety/Depression Medication
- LGBTQ
- Infertility
- Foster/adoption
- EMDR therapy
- Marital seperation
- Cancer Caregiver (this one and the next will be a main focus for me!)
- Grief/Loss
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